To My First Love

“Last night, I was stuck in traffic for 2 hours and it was raining really hard. Can you just imagine how awful that was? There was flood everywhere and I was drenched with rain water. It was so bad that not even Katy Perry could cheer me up. Hey… are you even listening to what I’m saying?… Hey… oh right, you’re no longer there.”

I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this; get used with the fact that you’re gone and that I lost you, maybe forever. I know that it has been 2 years and that the feelings should be gone by now, but I just can’t let you go, or at least the thought of you and I have accepted the fact that I’ll probably miss you for the rest of my life.

I wanted to tell you how disappointed I am right now. Remember the guy I dated last time? I cannot believe how much of a coward he is! He just had to give up on me. Am I that hard to love? He’s nothing like you. You knew me better than I know myself. That’s probably the reason why I’ll love you forever. Also, he never made me experience that spark you used to stun me with back then! He’s nothing like you. He’s not you.

I’m single now and I have a lot of things going on. Oh, I see, she’s the girl you’ve been telling our friends about! Well isn’t she a catch. Do you love her? Please don’t love her like how you loved me back when we had each other. Please, never love anyone like how you loved me before.

I miss you. I hope you still feel me. Remember back then when we were so in synced that I’d know when you’d call me because I can feel you. I can feel you miss me. I can feel you type in your message and how you’d erase it thinking about how I’d probably wince when I receive it. I can feel you mouth my name in the silence of your train ride home. I can feel you place your hand on your chest because it hurts without me there. I can feel you scroll through your phonebook desperately looking for my number pondering whether to call me or not. I can feel you and you never knew how much I love you because, I never made you feel me. I have secluded myself from you when all I want is for you to break my walls down and take me away and love me forever.

I loved you then and I will love your for the rest of my life.

I’m wondering; can you feel me right now? Feel every tear that would roll down my face as I type these words in? Can you feel me miss you? Do you even think about me still?

I am now in doubt whether we still thread on the same emotional frequency, for I no longer know whether you remember me or have buried me underneath your heart— a memory that will soon fade away. Oh that will be the demise of me; move on but please remember that what we had was real and that you loved me and I loved you more than anything else.
I won’t assume whether you can still feel me or not. There’s a huge possibility that you can no longer feel me, because back when our memories are the memories of my memories right now, I felt you slip through the space that we created for the 2 of us; a massive space built to store our love, our hopes, our dreams and our promises that never experienced what it’s like to happen in reality.

I may fall in love with a different man but this space that we made for the 2 of us will forever be mine to carry and to take good care of. For no matter what happens, my heart will always be possessed by that 17 year old boy who once upon a time, made me fall in love.

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