There’s just too much dust to blow off and too much broken pieces to collect right now. We left it where it ended and we promised never to return to that place anymore. That’s why I don’t like seeing you. I’d avoid sharing the same oxygen with you. I don’t want to be with you, for I know that when you’re around I’ll be chained back to that place in time wherein I was once yours and you were once mine. I don’t like hearing your voice, for it instantly takes me back to those nights wherein we’d be talking endlessly about all that there is mindless of the fact that we have a 9 am call time the next day. I don’t like seeing your eyes for it makes me want to hold my gaze right where your face is. That face of an angel that made me fall once upon a time. I don’t like you talking to me, for it makes me want to hold on to the possibility that we might end up in each others’ arms again. That bitter taste of wishful thinking makes me want to die but not through death but through the past; I shouldn’t have fallen in love with you.
I didn’t like the fact that you were there last time I celebrated my birthday . I despised your presence for it made my heart anchor on something that belongs in the past and that has ceased to exist in the present. I hate the fact that I didn’t hate you back when I saw you there sitting with your beer while watching the basketball championship. I hated the fact that I absolutely adored the way you looked in your red cap and your gray sweatshirt. I hate you. I hate that I still love you.
And now, doomed as I am, I would have to say I’m thankful that you were there. For I wouldn’t be as happy as I am without your presence engraved within the walls of my memory every time I recall my 19th birthday.
I just wish you didn’t make me feel as happy as I was that night for now I cannot bear the thought of not seeing you again.