And I fear for my future if this mentality lives on. I cannot fathom the intensity of every whisper that lingers inside of my head waiting for a response from my body.
Why is there so much hate involved whenever I seek to understand as to why I was created as such? I have been an amazing success, weighing 182 lbs sizing down to 113 as my lowest. But what is it about perfection and that seething desire to achieve it that makes me want to blow my brains out for the torture is unimaginable?
I have known that my mind is far from sound. From, woeful cries to exceeding joy, from sinful binges to painful purges, I know that I am far from sound. As these days pass by I can’t help but wonder as to why this life has chosen to plague me with its curse!
I long for beauty and perfection and admiration, but none is accessible to me as of this moment, for I am aware that I lack. I lack the discipline to pursue what I desire of the most–Beauty.
What is it about beauty that makes it so imperative for women to have it? Why do I speak of it in such lightness with other people when I know that the subject matter affects me terribly? The perfection of the human body is far from my grasp but I swear to my grave that I shall never stop pledging my soul to the devil just to have it within the palms of my hands.
This life is but temporary but I know that I must cease every moment and for me to enjoy the little time that I have left I must be exceptional. No words could properly explain the confusion that dwells within the darkest corners of my soul. I need to be beautiful.
I know that I can for I already have created that possibility a long time ago. Despite my sincerest efforts though, the strain of my human heart pushed me to throw away what was once mine– near perfection.
I cannot rely on to what I see for all I see is large, perhaps larger than it’s “real counterpart”, nonetheless, I refuse to seek consolation from what my image tells me for as long as the numbers are high, I won’t stop.
This is not an inspiring blog post, and I am deeply apologetic but I must release what’s within me. I am battling bulimia and ‘she’ has never been kind towards me. Mia (as I call her) has killed me a thousand times already and despite her unkind nature, I hold on to her. I was never vocal about this but I just cannot help it, my battle is far from over and nobody can stop me, not again. This time, I swear that I will not fail. For with every pound of flesh that I lose, I know that I’m closer to my ultimate goal- Perfection.
* It is not my intention to trigger anybody with this post. This is just how I think right now, and I cannot force you to understand me and my opinions for ‘this’ is something I cannot even fully comprehend myself. I wish for your good health, my reader, and stay away from this hell, I’ve chosen to place myself in to.