I have been living inside a box constructed by these people around me. I have been pushed and pulled in to various directions that would “make me” a “better” person. I have been living by the constitution written by people (who are strangers to me). They say that if I follow the rigid laws written in this “worldly constitution” I’ll be living the “righteous” life.
What is righteous?
I remember my mother yelling at me for having a g clef tattooed on to my right wrist. I remember my parents going all “You’ll never find a job” etc etc. I remember my father confronting me about my ear piercings. I remember him yelling at me for choosing to wear red lipstick all the time. I remember these people eyeing me down every time they get a glimpse of my tattoos. I remember beating myself up for thinking that I am nothing but a stupid retard who has chosen singing above anything else. I remember how “unrighteous” I believe I am. And I remember how awful I felt about being myself.
Is this what righteous is? It’s funny, ’cause it tastes like death forced upon your blood streams slowly infiltrating your system with its poison until you’re dead.
Is righteous like a disease that is mandatory for me to acquire? A brainwashing paraphernalia created by people who are patronizing uniformity instead of individuality.
Is it really vital for me to delete who I am and what I want just for me to be considered as “righteous”?
How can a word, as right as it sounds, cause endless invisible deaths among our race?
I am blessed to have met a lot of people who are actually very gifted in so many ways but are afraid to unleash their potentials for they’re afraid of what others might say regarding the things they love to do the most, and so they keep it in and vow to lock these wonders forever.
I am so afraid right now. For I cannot bear the thought of me living the rest of my life being someone I am not, doing things that I do not wish to do, living a life that resembles hell.. I simply cannot.
If I come out and share my story to the world, will I have the opportunity to live it fully without having other people (and this includes the people closest to me… my family) endlessly talk me down just for me to give up on things that are rare and pure and powerful… and unrighteous?
If I tell the world of my dreams and my goals, will they not tell me that these are impossible? Will they actually let me live my dreams?
I don’t want to read a case study about the history of media. I want to sing. I don’t want to remove my earrings just to please you. I actually want another one. I don’t want to wear long sleeves and put concealer on to my tattoos for they’re beautiful. I don’t want you to tell me who to love and when to fall in love for it is something that I have the power over with. I don’t want you to constantly tell me that my legs are enormous. I already know my flaws, you need not force feed me with the imperfections that I was endowed with. I don’t need you to tell me that you hate it whenever I wear red lipstick. I feel confident and sexy wearing it. I don’t like to be a broadcaster, I want to be a singer. I don’t need you to tell me who I am supposed to be, for it is my discretion as to who I would like to be.
If I come out with my deepest secrets shall you spear me from your slaughtering tongue? Will you understand that my friends actually mean a lot to me than what you think? Will you accept my “human tendencies” and actually let me experience what it’s like to actually love somebody?
If I come out of this box that you trapped me in, will you not kill me?
I have so many questions tonight, one of which is, “If it’s really righteous, then why doesn’t it feel right?”
If I come out with this article will you understand where I am coming from? I just want to free myself from all the boundaries that are living nightmares for me. I just want to find my place in this planet and be happy that I am alive and that I have a purpose of some sort. I am not this world’s toy, I am human, I have a body, a heart and a soul.
So if I come out and tell you who I am, will you judge me or will you at least, try to understand?