Diarrhea

Not diarrhea as in diarrhea, like loose bowel movement, but verbal diarrhea… yes, you heard me right verbal diarrhea.

I know that I’ve always been a very talkative (and impulsive) girl who runs on the fuel of the energetic aura that I am thrown in to. If the situation is gloomy, then you’d find me in great remorse of what is being talked about. If the situation calls for enthusiasm, then I’ll be the brightest, most encouraging person you might ever encounter in you existence (well except during PMS days). If the situation is funny and brimming with comfort (specially when I’m within the realms of my closest friends) then I’m going to be down straightforward throwing my tact away, acting and talking via impulse.

Now this is where it gets very depressing. I am, I guess, unlike a lot of my friends. No matter how similar we are, in our endeavors and in our tastes, I can’t help but differ from their sense of “private-ness” (If you could call it that.) I know, I know, you’re like “well you should respect their desire for secrecy”, and my dear reader you are very much correct, and I solemnly agree with everything that you’re thinking (specially if it’s against my tactless spewing of words that aren’t meant to be spewed out).

It’s just that, I’m far too lax for anything like this. I know that I’m just trying to justify myself with stupid and not to mention insensitive excuses, but let me tell you how difficult it is for a “verbal diarrhea” stricken girl to sort this stuff out. Let me introduce you to ‘me’.

I am a very reserved girl.

It may not seem like it at first glance, or at second, or at third, (this could go on forever), but truth is, I really am.

It is very difficult for me to let people inside my life. It’s hard for me to break the walls that I built as a kid (to protect myself from evil bullies). It’s exhausting for me to let people understand as to where I am coming from and as to why I usually appear “bitchy”.

You see, getting to know me is the hardest part about me. I run on blasting impulse that I’d feel within the walls of my veins, blocking every sense that I have, pushing fort the semi-conscious, and thus losing myself in the midst of an electric event that would either reap me wonderful results or have me beg for forgiveness and second chances. Nonetheless, I’ve always been like that; and for people to see that side of me (the impulsive demon who lashes out all her emotions… good or bad… on to pressing situations) it means that they have successfully destroyed my guards down and that I am completely comfortable being around them. It’s a devastating irony, isn’t it?

Whenever I put my guard up, you can expect wonderful, censored, edited things flying off of my mouth, and if I’m all crazy, potty-mouthed and tactless, that’s when I’m completely comfortable (not to mention… happy). It’s depressing because I hate that I instantly acquire verbal diarrhea whenever I am out with my friends.

I will never EVER want to make them feel bad, or worse, hurt them. I swear to God, that will never be under my list of “What I’d like to do with my friends”, but sometimes my tact instantaneously dissolves from too much comfort and boom! There goes my mouth and all the shit that comes out of it. I just wish I’d learn how to control the muscles of my mouth, so that I could pucker it  up every time a shitty thing would come out of it.

This is a rant post because I’m dead guilty for making others feel bad about themselves. I really am. Okay now as pay back, you people can tell everyone I’m in love with an old man.

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