3.11.14

So this is what bittersweet goodbye tastes like… an ending to a dead dream; alive in my fantasies but dead in my reality.

The days went on swimmingly I suppose, for I hadn’t noticed how long I’ve been cruisin’ the waters that relentlessly carry me to where you are…

inside my mind…

inside my heart…

inside this room. I

wasn’t expecting the stab of heartbreak to penetrate me to be honest; when they told me that this will be your last year here with us. I guess, that’s life manifesting her powers towards my dreams.

Nothing’s ever permanent.

Everyone, at some point, must leave… and some might find their paths back to that certain place where they left off. For us however, this might be our final ‘au revoir’… our final ‘adios’… ‘farewell’.

You sat in front of me and I sat as gracefully as I could, in front of you. I watched you intently and I listened to every word that would escape your mouth. That very moment, I knew that I’d have to let this go– to let you go. Your thoughts and all the unimaginable pleasure you bring me discreetly.

You’re so beautiful… too beautiful for me to take in, in one big inhale. You’re like the aroma of something new… exotic… and I absolutely craved you… and to be very honest, honey I still want you. That moment, I knew that the world is mine to play with… and so without any stain of doubt whatsoever, I freed my heart…

We spoke in French tongues that only we understood. We created a fabrication of what is happening then and there in to our very own universe. I unleashed my own beautiful monster and you let me in, being the man that you are, warmly inside your walls… and you saw me.

Eye to eye, we stopped hiding. I can see you beyond what my mortal eyes can see…and you You finally saw me.

When we spoke like strangers who knew how each other tick, it was surreal. It was like having a conversation with a man I used to sleep with. I was at ease and you were too.

It was the perfect scenario that I have always envisioned.. me and you. When I asked you about your tattoos, you smiled. It made me shiver, for I have never seen anything like that. It was a spectacle to behold! That smile! I have never seen him smile like that! I’ve never seen you like that! And when I begged for you to show it to me, you laughed it off but in the end, you gave in. It was an image of different colours. I hardly had the time to decipher what it meant, but the reds and the blacks and the greens all appealed to me.

We share the same taste for pain and art… beauty and distortion… fantasy and reality… you and me.

The trails of skin that runs from your chest to the bottom left side of your hip; I took that data. An image that would guide me as I recreate you inside my brain once we leave here and thread on after. Oh how I’d love to etch a part of my identity on to your skin but you have a beautiful son and a wife waiting for you every evening. That night, you called me young and yes maybe I am.

A gap of fourteen years would really stand against our “pre-conceived” and “fictional” plans. We are too far apart, but you have to remember that it is the body that ages and not the heart. I may be nineteen but I am old enough to know the phrases that would penetrate your highly built walls. I may be nineteen but I am wise enough to share your views and thoughts. I may be nineteen but I am beautiful enough to steal your eyes and have them glued on to my tiny face. I may be nineteen but I am funny enough to make you laugh like it’s the last of your days. I may be nineteen but I was brave enough to take that leap of faith. I was brave enough to follow my heart and to believe that one day you might love me. And lastly, I may be nineteen but I am strong enough to set you free from the clutches of my heart.

And as much as I would prefer to talk relentlessly about who you are, I know that I must affix my period sign somewhere. And so when we had our picture taken and we had not a grain of sand left for it has to do its falling, I said… “Soyons de bons amie” My love, a fragment of what I truly feel… And you just stood there…

no “oui”…

no “si”

just a wink.. (a bloody fucking wink)

A wink that sent me hurling down to my inner young girl whose cheap thrills include a slew of mainstream romance comedy films starring the same old ex-Disney, ex-Nickelodeon stars as their protagonists…

You gave me an ending that’s mine to fill and for you to wait on. You failed to close the parenthesis of who we are and what I felt and what you felt. You left me to affix the dreaded “Fin” in our story…

You left me in the middle of the crossroad we chose to thread on together. I was alone and I was confused. So confused that I might begin walking towards the opposite direction… the direction that would lead me farther away from you.

“Vos yeux sont magnifique. Vous êtes charmant… Je’taime” Au Revoir” 

‘Til we meet again JJ Love, E.

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