VAGUELY SAD

As for the culprit, I guess I’ll never know what it is. The reason is partly vague and partly known. I wish however that I hadn’t known for the truth is far more lethal than what I imagined it would be. And so for today, I’d go for a rather lengthy walk from the bridge to that coffee shop near the office– my other office. Today, I’ll be drinking my macchiato and I’ll be tasting the strong espresso slowly making its way through and through. It’s bitter. It’s very bitter, but you love it.

I’m so scared. I am terrified for a reason that I simply cannot put in to words… The phrases, its syllables would evade my thoughts or maybe my thoughts simply wouldn’t claim these phrases for they’re far too painful for me… for my mind. I can smell melancholy in the air and it’s suffocating me like I can never be with you EVER again. …Finally, something closer… I am fearful for I feel like my worth has gone from golden to something that would equate to something far less.

I am scared for I miss you and I cannot do anything about it. I am insufficient… or so I would believe. You mean so much to me more than I wish you would and so I am left with all the burden of feeling that I could never keep you for the rest of our days. I know that we cannot be for reasons that have permanently placed an invisible barrier between our skins. We were just one of the brave ones who still pushed for something that has been labeled as “immovable”.

I don’t know who we are anymore but that is not my biggest concern. You have said once that we’ll never fully understand who we are in this lifetime and I begged to disagree for those words sounded so bitter in my ears. And yet now that we have been threading on a road that would mean so much more to me than it might with you, I know that I crave for you even more. I know that I cannot fully give you who I am for I cannot. With all due respect to my dignity, I wish to keep some of who I am to myself. I know that you can only be half a lover to me and so am I to you but I wish to give you that half fully.

“Half and full, together and apart, yours and not yours, mine and not mine, I love you… it’s okay you don’t have to say you love me too.”

We are 2 souls walking along a thin thread of paradoxes but I am not afraid to fall… for in falling, I’ll find myself deeper in love with who you are… or at least half of who you are. And so today, I fall deeper and I know that there’s nothing that would cushion my fall but I’ll fall anyway.

For it is not being not loved in return that I am vaguely sad for but the uncertainty of your existence in my everyday. ‘Cause the truth gropes me by the throat and I know that I’ll have no power over it because no matter how much I’d love to tell you how much you mean to me, I know that you’d only hear half of it for the same reason that I can only say “I love….” And there it ends for having to affix ‘you’ in it, would plague us to death,

you..

me…

who we are…

who we can be…

I cannot afford to lose you…

not now, not ever ma cheríe.

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