The Game That I Can Never Win

“We’re like the giants of this world

Taller than everybody else

And I’m yours…”

I’m yours–

That is just an excerpt from one of the many songs that I have written in adoration of who you are. From the color of your eyes, to your tattoos, to your wisdom; there’s just so much of you that I’d love to sing about.

But that’s no longer the case.

When you ghosted out on me that Wednesday evening, we were suppose to have dinner, I kept my faith in you.

My friends called me stupid and foolish for believing in someone who would disappear out of the blue but I kept my idea of who you are.

You were that nice man who told me that I can do whatever it is that I want to do. You were that man who told me that I would probably still look beautiful after the hardest and most tedious day of my life. You were that man who told me that I deserve better.

I believed in you.

I believed in who you are and in what you can do and in the power of your dreams. I admired your spirit. You made me see freedom through your light brown eyes.

I would be dishonest however if I’d say that I never stopped believing that you’d show up one day, for after a week of not hearing from you, I’ve decided to place one foot after the other and start walking away from the remnants of that open ending.

5 steps forwards however, you reeled me back in with your summoning words of “I miss you..”.

God knows how much my heart tried to kill me from over beating.

“I knew it, I knew that you would come back…” I kept on uttering this line inside my head.

Few weeks forward after your sweet return, we started talking about deeper things…

You told me that you liked me…

You actually like me.

And I hope that I managed to return the favor by giving you a reciprocate of your affirmation. Not long after that, you said you wanted to see me.

I wanted to see you too.

I want to see you very much.

Now let’s end the story there for there is not much left for me to say but “why again”.

The last message that you sent me affirmed your possession over me.

We have gone accustomed to affixing our ‘MY’s to each others names but I guess, nothing will ever be enough.

I am not even going to ask as to why left me…again.

I love you but I wish that you’d just tell me that you can never love me back for it would be easier that way.

My arms can’t keep you safe for you’re the kind who enjoys running away and I’m not really the chasing kind.

Don’t get offended it’s just that, I don’t wish to keep you anymore for we’ve been down this road before and no matter how hard we try to pin each other down in our ways, you will always be the one to leave and I will always be the one who’ll bawl my eyes out while drinking cheap beer.

That’s who we are.

This is your game.

I played it.

I lost.

I played it again.

I lost you again.

And my dear, I am tired of losing the game I can never win.

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