I Should Have Kissed You

I should have kissed you when we were four; when you hated everybody.

I should have pressed my lips on your puffy wet cheeks soaked with tears. I should have held you, little as we were, and told you how cute you looked and that I wanted to be your friend. I should have hugged you tight until you stopped crying. I should have kissed you when we were four; when you hated everybody.

I should have kissed you back then, when I sat beside you inside that playhouse; after all, you were my first boy crush.

I should have kissed you, when I was five and you were six.

 I should have never left your side that day I escaped the latches of my kindergarten teacher just so I could sit next to the preparatory boys like you. I should have eaten that sour gum you wanted to give me that afternoon as we were on ride home. I should have sat next to you more often.

I should have kissed you when I was five and you were six.Last news I heard from you was you got in to a prestige high school while I was stuck in the convent.

I should have kissed you during Biology class when we were both fourteen.

I should have kissed you when you wrapped your thin arms around me that time we had that film viewing. I should have thanked you more often for teaching me Intermediate Algebra. I should have sat next to you more often, I should have said your name more often. I should have kissed you during Biology class when we were both fourteen. You’re the most annoying smarty pants I’ve ever had as a friend but you made me feel what it’s like to like someone again after a very long time.

I should have kissed you inside that music room where you taught me how to play the guitar back when we were fifteen. 

I should have laughed with you more, specially when both of us were failing Chemistry miserably. I should have kissed you right back when you stole that kiss from my cheek. I should have thanked you for you taught me so much in music. I should have taken that opportunity to talk to you more, to write more songs with you. I should have acknowledged you more. I am sorry, I was too afraid to fall.

I should have kissed you inside that music room, where you taught me how to play the guitar back when we were fifteen. I should have known better. I should have given you love when you needed it the most.

I should have kissed you that time you sat next to me during our refresher course when you were wearing blue.

You dazzled me for you were different. You were the quiet one. You were the perfect mystery I needed to solve before I turn sixteen. I should have talked to you more often. I should have called your name when I saw you on that stairwell looking like a protagonist from a Spanish soap opera with your black polo shirt. I should have bitched out on your “best friend” who eventually became your “girlfriend” and then not long after, your “ex-who-cheated-on-you”. I should have asked you out for coffee when you failed that college entrance exam. I should have kept on pushing. I felt vulnerable, for I knew that I wasn’t your first choice and so, I had to let you go.

I should have kissed you that time you sat next to me during our refresher course when you were wearing blue. I should have confessed my feelings to you. I should have told you that you inspired the first song I’ve ever written on my own.

I should have kissed you for you were my first love.

The first boy who has ever told me that he loved me, that was you. You were seventeen and I was sixteen and the world didn’t matter to us. We were secretly lovers and you were my best friend. You took me home every single day. We would converse endlessly about things that were so minuscule but for us, those things formed the walls of our secret universe. You told me that you loved me and being the fool that I am, I said, “Thanks”. I was foolish but I loved you and I did not know as to how and when I must tell you that back then, I really did love you. I should have kept you closer to me. I was stupid to push you away. Back then, I didn’t know that people had limits and you reached yours just when I was about to confess my feelings for you. We were a catastrophe. You broke me, I broke you, you loved me and let me tell you now, I loved you.

I should have kissed you for you were my first love. You were the boy with circle eyes who showed me a slice of heaven. I loved you.

I should have kissed you on the lips the night you bade me goodbye. 

You’re the kid who loved music and I love music. I thought that, maybe you could distract me from feeling the pain that my first heartbreak ceaselessly brought me then, but you made me fall in love instead– I fell in love with you. You were seventeen and I was eighteen and I know that we’re too alike, but the end proved us otherwise. You have your own story to share and I have mine. I longed for you for as long as I could remember but it was wrong. We were wrong. I loved you and I dearly hope you loved me too. I said my final lover’s goodbye to you inside that old library when I handed you that letter, but I should have asked you to stay, even if I know that you wouldn’t.

I should have kissed you on the lips that night you bade me goodbye. Who knew that that would be the last time you’d be doing that.

I should have kissed you that day we went out for coffee.

Now this one’s a little different. We’re too different. I was nineteen and you were thirty-four. I adored you helplessly for I’ve never seen such sophistication and grace in a man. You were beyond my reach but I fought hard to be on that seat in front of you inside that coffee shop, one summer morning. I should have told you that, I liked you– no… I love you. I should have let those words sloppily escape my mouth. I should have skipped radio duties to be with you. I should have asked you right then and there if you liked me. I should have asked you to take me to the Paragon and just when I’m about to alight from your car, I should have kissed you, long and hard and passionately; pressing my lips on to those lips my heart still ache for. I should have held you in my arms. I should have taken that risk. I should have burned all of my restrictions away when we both knew that none of who we are could remain. I should have kissed you that day we went out for coffee. I still see you everywhere. I still want to believe that you’re still here.

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