Looking at how far we’ve come– no, how far I’ve come in to disappearing from your life; I’d have to say that I am glad.
I no longer look for your face in every soul that I cross paths with. I no longer crave for the words that used pour beautifully from your mouth like the sound of steady and quiet rain tapping on the window sills. I no longer beat myself up for not having the capacity to sketch the angles of your features and how they cast shadows of black and grey in contrast to your Spanish skin. I no longer paint my sky with the colors of your eyes.
Oh those eyes that I love.
I remember every inch of who you are; of who I believe you are.
I remember you, so vividly in my mind that I start to question whether or not all that you are is but a figment of my hyperactive imagination.
Yours is the name that my heart whispers still but I refuse to give in.
For in this world that we walk on, we both know that whatever it is that happened between you and I, we can never be.
I fear that sometimes I doubt myself and the things that are right and just that I preach for my rationality to oblige to.
I fear that I might lose myself once again and I know that I don’t ever want to go through that ever again.
And so, I am here.
I am in this rut of wanting you and hoping for your return amidst the circumstances that will never, ever allow us to fall in love with one another without harming other souls.
I am here, I am stuck between forgetting and remembering.
Some days are easier than the others but some days feel like hell.
Like having a canon ball rip through your gut and soul, one after the other, until you’re void
I don’t remember you as much as I used to.
I learned how to flicker the lights that illuminate that summer when the universe crafted me a dimension wherein I actually stood a chance to be in love with you.
And tonight, the spotlight is on and I can see you so clearly and I want to touch you and kiss you and tell you that I still love you beyond words.
After this however, I must turn of the lights that consume me, my energy, my emotions.
Let me look at your face tonight, let me love you for the gazillionth time.
Let me feel your hands around me; your palms cupping my face, your breath blowing warmly on my skin.
LET ME LOVE YOU TONIGHT BEFORE I TURN OF THESE LIGHTS ONCE AGAIN
LET ME FORGET YOU UNTIL I DECIDE TO REMEMBER YOU WHO KNOWS WHEN
You’re still my heaven.