Your Love

I have prayed for your support and attention for years and now that I am being showered by your “attention” I feel like cracking my skull on the pavement.

You would force feed me with the goals you have for me when I already have planned every move inside my head.

I don’t want to be the girl you want me to be, and now that I am shiny, you suddenly have overflowing words for me.

You are all ears to what I say and I always end up feeling small when you open your mouth.

I feel like I am always at fault.

You tell me that you know me better than I know myself but how could that be?

I have taken good care of my dreams ever since I was a little girl and now that I have the rays of the sun shining through the tips of my finger, you suddenly have a slice of a say of who and what I should be.

You have no idea as to how hard I fought.

You have no idea as to how badly I was hurt.

You have no idea.

Not a clue.

Not a sliver of thought.

The truth has always been buried inside of me, rotting like garbage inside my ribcage, slowly coursing its way through my veins and I, I was forced to lick my own wounds; healing myself while shielding away from the arrows that would hurt me.

You’re so good at talking.

You’re so good with your words.

You’re even better when you’re drunk.

You’re even better when you’re mad.

I remember when I wanted to curl up inside your arms back when I was 17. I was bleeding. I was scared. I felt alone. I wanted to hurt myself.

You called me crazy.

You told me I was lying.

I was lying because I wanted to take my own life.

I was making things up like the scars on my thighs weren’t real–like they weren’t bleeding.

I had to pull myself back from jumping off when I was already on the edge.

YOU HAVE TO LIVE.

YOU HAVE TO LIVE.

YOU HAVE TO LIVE.

I kept saying to myself even when I can just die.

And now that you can see yourself under the light that I carefully nurtured within my heart, you can just push my dreams around  and tell me that you now me better than I know myself.

HOW DARE YOU.

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