I am so afraid of many things.
Before graduation, I had a plan–a great plan.
Now that I have marched my way through that 4 hour ceremony of tassels and diplomas and graduation gowns, I am clueless as hell.
I know that I have a plan, I just don’t know how to begin, where to apply.
I feel helpless and I would find myself stuck in this trap of “you’re-alone-in-your-parents’-house” and I can’t breathe.
I have so many things that I want to do and I want to become.
I also have a boy whom I saw my future with and now, even that’s murky.
Everything is so loud and it’s so chaotic and I can’t say a thing.
The skies are so dark and it’s always raining and all of my friends are busy with their lives, I can’t help but feel like spiralling down to that hell hole of tears and helplessness once again.
But I won’t.
I swear to god, I won’t allow the pangs of anxiety bite through me again.
I won’t allow depression to cave me in like a defenceless child so incapable of protecting herself.
I need to talk to people, I need clarity.
I need spirit and I need love.
This is the reason as to why from this day forward I shall claim these dreams as mine and even if I don’t know what to do, I’ll do it.
I’ll plunge in to whatever.
Follow the impulses of my feet– I need to move.
I need to have some sort of direction.
Stagnation is killing me everyday I spend more time with it.
Dear people who can read these posts of mine,
Thank you for reading my thoughts and sharing my experiences with me. I don’t feel so alone.
Now this I know, once I begin to move along with the wind, I would know.
I would figure something out.
So dear 20 year old me – hang in there.
We will begin the movement to wherever, for wherever is always better than here. You will slowly see the path that seems so blurry from where you are right now but I swear, we will make it.
We will travel the world and we will see it all. We will escape. We will be free.
We will fall in love and this time, it’s going to be for real. We will fall in love with someone who will love us for who we are. He will be caring, smart, respectful and he will share our vigour for travel and adventure.
He will only wish for you to smile. He will love you so much that everything we’ve ever ached for shall vanish. It’s as if none of the tears you’ve shed ever rolled down your cheeks like rain.
It will be magical. We will have a magical life. I know it.
We’ll figure things out on the way, we’ll figure it out.
We’ll figure it out.
I love you.
-The 20 Year Old You