Back when I was younger, I would often just plunge in to the arms of the next guy who’d win my heart.
I would fall in love with him. I would love him
I would believe in him.
I would believe in us.
The colors will always be radiant. The world alive.
I would fill the corners of my heart with tiny goals and bigger wishes for us to achieve.
I would leave no room for doubts.
I would leave no room for grievances.
I would leave no room for disappointments.
I would leave no room for your no’s and for your I can’ts.
I would leave no door for you to walk out– if ever you’d wish to leave me.
Everything will always be bright and I have no room for shadows and for grim pasts and failed love.
There will always be music– the music we both like; so that silence won’t have the power to creep between the beats and the rhythm; so that the goodbyes and the I have to go’s won’t be heard.
There will always be something new for us to talk about; so that none of us would ever wish to do some navigating where things are different, so that we’d forget the emotions of sadness and fear slashing our throats with their knives, so that we’d forget what it’s like to say “I am scared”.
There will always be something to eat; so that the pangs of hunger won’t come digging through our bellies; so that we’d always be present at the dining table conversing about what’s new.
There will always be sunrise and sunsets shall be banned forever, so that none of us would have to lie down and sleep. So that we’d always be busy and we’d always be loud and we’d forget about our needs for rest. So that we could ultimately avoid the mornings wherein we’re not sure if we should really be in love.
Everything would be bright, loud, moving.
But that was back when I was a lot younger.
For now all that I could ever ask for is a very long sunset, followed by a slumber wherein we’d wake up and we’d be free to stare at each other in our most naked form and ask ourselves the question “Do I want this for the rest of my life?”
I am never scared now, for I always am.
Because loving is not bright, it’s not loud and it’s moving at a pace of a steady heartbeat.
Now my heart is filled with spaces, with empty rooms and empty boxes for future dreams.
Because back when I have dutifully removed what I don’t want, these ghosts of fear, sadness, disappointment and your wavering voice whenever you say goodbye haunt me like that’s everything that they were ever designed for.
Now I am empty and if someone would come and knock, I’d let them in.
I’d let them rearrange the emptiness and fill it with the slices of who they are– who they want to be.
I want them to see my heart as their vessel for them to transform in to what they have always wanted to become.
I want to enjoy the emptiness of this lover’s heart.
I want to enjoy the sadness of waiting.
For every time I turn my heart away from these demons, they kill me.
They’d grab every chance for them to be felt.
And I can feel them.
And so there it goes; there goes my heart–bruised and battered and broken but better.
And so for you, if you want to see my brokenness every morning, my empty heart is here for you.
However if my heart is not the correct vessel for you to be the man you want to be, then it’s okay, there’s someone who’s better for you and maybe it’s not me.