And so it might be a little too much of a bad omen, but I shall start my year with an emotional purge.
I forgot to write about that time last December 22, when I was riding the elevator down your building. I was holding back tears of retribution.
My chest felt constricted. I can feel the skin on my chest being ruptured by the words I held back when I kissed you goodbye that day. My heart screamed the words “I love you!” but my tongue has gone numb and my head told me not to say anything that would make you run away from what we have.
What we have– do we have anything?
I know that, that same day you shall board a plane back to your motherland and I know that I won’t be seeing you for awhile. The separation was supposed to last for more than two weeks, but now it has stretched in to a month.
I am trying my best to pull myself together. I have many thoughts inside my mind. I have never wished to say the words “I love you” so clearly to anyone ever before. It doesn’t feel like an impulse, it never did. It felt like a slap back to the reality that despite having you inside my arms, you were never mine.
And I know that we have a future together– a bright one; should we overcome this emotional rift that we are in. You like me. And I terribly adore you.
But I long for the truth and my truth is you.
I know that I might sound a bit foolish, I know that I am naive, but within the hallowed halls of my heart, the truth never sounded this loud to anyone.
And so now that I am a bit unsure of my position, I could only ask for one small favour from you:
Don’t make me beg.
I know myself. I know who I am. And I know that the wounds of who I was bleed profusely every single time I try to open myself up to anybody. I know that my truth is the only truth and I will die for what my blood is boiling for.
I could ask for a bit of an assurance but I am uncertain of what I have now. When my consciousness allowed the mad woman out, I realised that maybe I might have lost the best part of what I have collected– you.
But despite my disaster, I am glad that I get to keep slivers of you around. I don’t know if I can still bring back who we were back when we were kissing on your couch last November, but rest assured, I will keep you. I will keep you even if it wrecks my heart to see those eyes loving other women.
I am not a perfect person, I know that, but I dearly hope that for the entire time that I was your sunshine, I hope I was perfect for you.
And I know that you won’t be able to read this, but I just want to put it out there
I love you.
That’s my truth.